365: A YEAR LATER

Iwe you not dying anytime soon…. (Quietly in the back of my head telling myself, I hope he can’t tell…..)We have so much to talk about. These are some of the awkward moments I had with you brah. But you where always 2 steps ahead of me. example you gave me that colored sketch portrait that dad had made for mum and said,” Leroy I haven’t got place to put this up but you can do the right thing with this picture”. guess where I put it…in the sitting room just by the entrance so that all the people I LET into my house know that we were born of angel blood .I miss telling you about my problems and you happy that I was a wuss around you because size apart, you was big bro and yes I have the battle scars to prove that fact(although I still don’t know what we were fighting or competing over).the situ is like this, me and sibeso still going strong. When I hooked up with her you were skeptical about us and all these years peeps thought you was hating….nah nigga I knew what you was doing. You wanted me to realize she was of good caliber and that I couldn’t be relaxed or average about that so you kept on my toes. “I like sibeso because she’s the only girl I’ve see grow up, actually GROW UP.” Never will forget the day you accepted my wifey, future mother of my child/dren (yeah she HEAVILY Prego right now) and the girl who tamed the lion. Your last few months were the hardest times of my life ever, because I always thought you where gonna live forever, forever ever, FOREVER EVER!!!(Yeah they haven’t released an album yet) but I remember you saying “you have it figured out?”Nah nigga without you I am lost mi blood. I still cry myself to sleep, my workmates couldn’t see but I kept crying on your birthday, feverish from anguish, disappointment and pain. I have failed to be the best bro to mpande, best son to the parents and after all is said and done I haven’t been the best younger bro….no song ,verse, poem  shit I don’t even rep your name the way I think I shoulda been. but then again  you left big shoes to fill and maybe the whole stepping up to the batter of being the oldest Banda man of our generation ( gramps passed on too so ba robe Mr. Banda snr than uncle musman Mr. Banda so iam now Mr. B jr).but iam still a movie, music, art, sports comic, general knowledge buff and you’re the one person who actually liked the fact that I am a nerd. Me and Rodney closer now after you left but the whole crew kindly grew apart and so I’m back to being the old , quiet , reserved Leroy and without your outgoing personality that always lit up a room, am back to having not many friends. can talk all day and all night bout how much I miss ya and how things have changed but the truth of the matter and the main reason for writing this is to tell you that……no more. No more weakness on my part no more Childs play no more effing around. All my life, all the time we spent together, all the fighting and advice and pushing and urging every last convo we had was you preparing me for the world as a man and the past 365 day made me realize that you made me who iam today and I’ll never forget that or let my kids grow up without knowing that their uncle was beyond a star he was LUKASTAR my big brother.  And I can finally show the world what you wanted of me….to be whatever I want to be….

IN MEMORY OF MY BROTHER LUKAS (I.M.O.M.B.L) 15  MAY/1985 – 17 MAY/2011 (THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL)